Singing in the rain

Well, I’m sitting here in the dark, which seems fitting for the way I’ve been feeling of late. The power had been out for hours after an epic storm. We were stuck for a bit at the rec center with the kids and after driving home through flooded streets and a stint of Milo riding his bike in the storm dressed in full rain gear, we’re sitting in the dark having a drink. The air is sticky and the neighbors are out on the porch playing dominoes. I’m not sure where I’m going with this visual…

It's just a little rain. Nothing will stop him from riding.

I have been feeling rather defeated of late. I go back to work in a few weeks and I’ve never been very good at change. I have this feeling that my life is ending on August 2nd. That I will never have time to play with my kids or paint or to roam the neighborhood visiting and riding bikes. I am fearful that I really sucked at being a stay at home mom. So much so that I should go back to work and leave the rearing of my children to other, more qualified individuals. I am a bit of a mess. I had these visions that our summer would be spent with my kids frolicking in the mountains and instead we spend most of the day waiting for the baby to wake up so we can hurriedly do something “fun” only to rush home so the baby can take another nap. Bitch, moan, bitch,moan.

I kept thinking that making art was keeping me sane but today when I went to take down another show where nothing sold I felt defeated once again. I make art for lots of reasons, I like to do it, I have this urge to do it, and I honestly, wanted to make a little scratch for my family. Blerg.

So what do I do now? Sitting in the dark waiting for the right thought to pop into my mind. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and not be so damn hard on myself or my kids. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get fine with where I’m at without begging out pep talks from all of my dear friends and family (thank you to all of you who put up with my crazy on a daily basis).

It seems to me that this whole life business is a lot like my day today. Breakdown, swim a bit, wait, make a break for it, and drive like your life depends on it all while making it seem like a whole lot of fun for the kids in the back seat. And after they’ve gone to bed, slow down, sit in the dark, have a drink and mull it all over. The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, tomorrow.

Advertisements

2 responses to “Singing in the rain

  1. Oh my. You are such an inspirational mom, artist, and person. Not to mention, your job. So important, and I can only imagine how awesome you are at it, as I know your passion for it. Those kids are SO lucky to have you as a teacher, I’m sure you make a difference in so many lives, and that is why you sacrifice staying home and that is commendable. And im sure i spelled that wrong. And i gotta say, you are a bit of a crazy person.(this blog as an example) But aren’t all moms who want to be the best at it for their kids…

  2. Remember, best thing my Mom ever did was to be a “Stay at Home” mom until i was like 11-12 years old. I feel that I am a better, more stable, well rounded person as a result

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s