Well, I’m sitting here in the dark, which seems fitting for the way I’ve been feeling of late. The power had been out for hours after an epic storm. We were stuck for a bit at the rec center with the kids and after driving home through flooded streets and a stint of Milo riding his bike in the storm dressed in full rain gear, we’re sitting in the dark having a drink. The air is sticky and the neighbors are out on the porch playing dominoes. I’m not sure where I’m going with this visual…
I have been feeling rather defeated of late. I go back to work in a few weeks and I’ve never been very good at change. I have this feeling that my life is ending on August 2nd. That I will never have time to play with my kids or paint or to roam the neighborhood visiting and riding bikes. I am fearful that I really sucked at being a stay at home mom. So much so that I should go back to work and leave the rearing of my children to other, more qualified individuals. I am a bit of a mess. I had these visions that our summer would be spent with my kids frolicking in the mountains and instead we spend most of the day waiting for the baby to wake up so we can hurriedly do something “fun” only to rush home so the baby can take another nap. Bitch, moan, bitch,moan.
I kept thinking that making art was keeping me sane but today when I went to take down another show where nothing sold I felt defeated once again. I make art for lots of reasons, I like to do it, I have this urge to do it, and I honestly, wanted to make a little scratch for my family. Blerg.
So what do I do now? Sitting in the dark waiting for the right thought to pop into my mind. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up and not be so damn hard on myself or my kids. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get fine with where I’m at without begging out pep talks from all of my dear friends and family (thank you to all of you who put up with my crazy on a daily basis).
It seems to me that this whole life business is a lot like my day today. Breakdown, swim a bit, wait, make a break for it, and drive like your life depends on it all while making it seem like a whole lot of fun for the kids in the back seat. And after they’ve gone to bed, slow down, sit in the dark, have a drink and mull it all over. The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, tomorrow.